The Results Are In

I finally got the results for which I've been waiting from the naturopath. Turns out that my thyroid's just fine, but my hormones are completely out of whack. My testosterone, DHEA, and progesterone levels are all low. Apparently that also means that my "good" estrogen level is low as well, even though my estrogen showed normal. "Bad" estrogen (synthetic estrogen from birth control, in my case) accumulates and affects progesterone and natural estrogen levels. Virtually all my symptoms can be attributed to these deficiencies, which is fantastic, since they're easily treated. I'm now using a progesterone cream (you know, the kind menopausal women use instead of HRT), an estrogen cleanse, and a product called Tribulus Synergy to up my testosterone and DHEA. That one's my favorite; it's got "Male Response Formula" on the label. So looking in my cupboard, you might think I'm a menopausal woman, or a man, which amuses me.
Things I'm looking forward to with the balancing of my hormones: better and more stable moods, more energy, better complexion, increased libido (I know, you didn't want to know), weight loss...

I'm feeling much better today, dealing with my dog's passing. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful husband to support me and hold me while I cry, cheer me up when I'm done crying, reminisce with me, and just love me in general. He's a rare sort of man. I'm blessed to have the support, love, and prayers (mixed in with a good dose of worry, I'm sure) of my best friend- Mom and my dad. And all the friends who sympathized with me on facebook. It all helps and I know that God is watching out for me and has placed these people in my life.
I am looking for another dog, but I'm not in a rush. If it's God's will, it will fall into place. If it's not His plan right now, it won't work out. I'm not just running to the pound and taking home the first dog I see -- and I wish no one else would either. A dog is a ten+ year commitment, so take your time, think it through, and make sure it's the right fit for your family. Oh and spay and neuter your pets! (And that's my public service announcement for the day)

Farewell, Old Friend

My doggy died. He's gone. He was hit by a truck while I watched helplessly and ran to him in time to feel his heart beat its last. Oh, Aries, how much I loved you! I'm so devastated, yet I have hope and joy even in sorrow.
You know, when something like this happens, you always think "there's something I could have done, if only I did this, if only, if only this that and the other thing... God, you could have done this or that..." I understand that's called the "bargaining" phase of grief. But I take comfort in knowing that it is part of God's plan.

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.
Psalm 139:16-18

If God has ordained every day for me, I'm going to extrapolate that He has ordained every day for every living creature. So I am not responsible, there is nothing I could do; it was written in His book. This makes it much easier to let go. And His plans for me are good!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28

I thank God that He has great plans for me, and I hold fast to His promises and His lovingkindness. I know that He feels my pain and weeps with me, as He wept with Mary and Martha for Lazarus. I don't know why He took my doggy away, but I trust Him. I like to think that I will see him again someday. I don't know if that's true or not; I don't think the Bible really tells us. But I do know that there will be animals in the new Earth, and certainly it does no harm to believe that my Aries will be one of them.

I got Aries ten years ago in November 1999; he was born Sept. 22 1999. As a puppy, he was a hellion! He nipped and ran away and just generally drove me mad. Of course, as all puppies do, he grew up and mellowed out. He became a most wonderful companion, my dear friend, always beside me. He loved me so well. He came to answer to Stupid, Fifi and buddy; he learned to shake, beg, stand, sit, lie down, roll over. He didn't like to swim, much preferring to wade. He loved to hump his cushion and drag it around, growling and being goofy. He would roll around on his back on the carpet with much growling, and other amusing habits like sleeping sprawled on his back. Usually he was pretty laid back, but sometimes he would get in a rambunctious mood and run around like a fool. My Aries! I love you so much, I miss you, I wish you weren't gone. Goodbye, my sweet puppy. If God is willing, I will see you soon.

My Saviour Lives!

Happy Resurrection Day! Today is the Jewish festival of Firstfruits, a symbol of Christ's resurrection, as Passover is a symbol of Christ's sacrifice.

But now Christ has been raised from the dead, the first fruits of those who are asleep. For since by a man came death, by a man also came the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ all will be made alive. But each in his own order: Christ the first fruits, after that those who are Christ's at His coming, then comes the end, when He hands over the kingdom to the God and Father, when He has abolished all rule and all authority and power. For He must reign until He has put all His enemies under His feet. The last enemy that will be abolished is death.
1 Corinthians 15:20-26

Today is the best day of the year. How wonderful to know that the Son of God bore my sin and died for me; how much more wonderful to know that He rose again, death's conqueror! So now we have no fear in death; because He has overcome sin and death, the death of earthly bodies is merely the beginning of eternity in the presence of God. Forgiveness, justification, right relationship with God is a gift, one which we could never earn. It is offered freely to all who believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, who offer up their lives to Him and invite His Spirit to dwell in them. For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus (Rom 3:23).

If you are reading this and have not yet come to trust in God and given Him rule over your life, I encourage you to accept His gift! In the midst of all our troubles, anger, and sorrow, God is faithful and good. He longs to know you and have you spend eternity in His presence, but you must choose Him. One day, you will see Him face to face. Will He welcome you as His child, or say "Depart from Me; I never knew you"? It is up to you.
God bless.

The Veil Is Torn

Today, I commemorate the sacrifice of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Yeshua Ha'Mashiach. The Son of God offered Himself up as the Passover lamb, the final atonement for all sin, so that, covered by His blood, we may overcome death. The Spirit in me, and I in Christ, and Christ in the Father's hand! I now have access through the torn veil to the throne of grace, the Most Holy Place, the direct presence of God. Christ is my High Priest and only intercessor, and His blood covers all my unrighteousness. I, who by rights should die in the mere presence of His holiness, may now bask in His presence, speak to Him, seek His counsel, lean on Him! I am so unworthy and so grateful.

And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit.
And behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth shook and the rocks were split.
Matthew 27:50-51

Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed. All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; but the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him.
Isaiah 53:4-6

Lazy?

Lazy.
I feel it for so long
I hear it
I manifest it
Not knowing any other state,
I own it;
it owns me

no energy, no motivation
no passion, no goals
no point
to my hazy wanderings through
passing time,
wasting time

I long to feel the purpose I know,
and the guilt of the title
I have come to feel
- lazy -
eats a hole through my self-worth

Give me freedom in truth!
...the truth...
the truth is, I should not claim
this name,
though outwardly one may assume its truth,
but in truth
I am in battle between mind and spirit
and darkness and light
and the guilt I bear
I do not deserve
Is not the burden of mental illness enough?

I lay down this baggage
at the feet of the all-suffering One
Who has carried my burdens for me
borne my guilt
and set my spirit free

I look forward to
the healing of my body
when I may physically know,
mind and body,
the strength I already possess in spirit

Who will separate me from the love of Christ?
Will tribulation, or distress,
or persecution, or famine,
or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

But in all these things I am
more than a conqueror
through Him who loves me

Look ma, I'm blogging!

So here I am, joining the masses in the blog world. This year is a year of change and transition for me, and I've decided to track it here, for anyone (or noone) to see. I am striving for change in my spiritual life, my family life, my social life, and my mental and physical health.
At the end of 2009, my husband Frank and I made two choices: to quit our addiction, and to start a family. After eight years (for me, longer for Frank), we had decided we were ready to trust God with our lives and stop continuously engaging in self-destructive behaviour. As I believe that time is short before the Lord returns, it is time to stop wasting time! I know that God has plans for me and that He longs to be close to me, but how can He draw near to me when I spend more time smoking pot than I do seeking Him? I also know that I do not want to raise (or be pregnant with) a child around that. My habits have alienated my friends, affected my health, stunted my spiritual growth, and degraded my relationships with my family. So, we made the decision and stuck to it! We have been free for three months. The feeling is tremendous. When I go before God, there is nothing in between me and Him.

The change has not, however, improved my mental health. See, I am clinically depressed. I have struggled with this problem for many years, and have been taking prescription medication for eight years. My doctor told me that I would probably take these drugs my whole life. My doses have been steadily increasing, while their effectiveness has been steadily decreasing. I also have no energy, no passion for life, no interest, no motivation. Sort of like chronic fatigue, without the diagnosis. I used to accept these things as my life. I don't anymore. I am convinced that God does not want me to live like this, and that there are healthy and natural ways to fix my body. I changed doctors.
I am now working with my new doctor, a wonderful lady by the name of Dr. Khan, and my naturopath, Dr. Cobi Slater, to wean off the antidepressants and identify & treat the root cause of my problems. I was concerned about the long-term effects of prescription drugs on my kidneys and liver, as well as their impact on my future babies. Dr. Khan is supervising my weaning, while Dr. Cobi seeks to address the source of my depression and fatigue. Currently, we are awaiting the results of hormone testing. I'm on the edge of my seat in anticipation.

There is a burden of guilt and a weariness that comes with being depressed all the time. Why don't I just get up and do something? Why am I so lazy? It feels like I'm failing at life. It is interesting, the disconnect I feel between my spirit and my mind. I trust the Lord and have the Spirit living in me; thus, I have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. I have faith and hope. The joy of the Lord is my strength! These are things I feel in my spirit and I know to be true. However, the way I feel in my mind is much different. I sometimes feel worthless, life seems pointless, I feel like a poor wife, a bad friend, a failure. My spirit and mind are in conflict, and I know it is because of the mental illness with which I struggle.

Rejoice evermore; pray without ceasing; in everything, give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I have lived this verse in my spirit, even when my mind does not agree.