Look ma, I'm blogging!

So here I am, joining the masses in the blog world. This year is a year of change and transition for me, and I've decided to track it here, for anyone (or noone) to see. I am striving for change in my spiritual life, my family life, my social life, and my mental and physical health.
At the end of 2009, my husband Frank and I made two choices: to quit our addiction, and to start a family. After eight years (for me, longer for Frank), we had decided we were ready to trust God with our lives and stop continuously engaging in self-destructive behaviour. As I believe that time is short before the Lord returns, it is time to stop wasting time! I know that God has plans for me and that He longs to be close to me, but how can He draw near to me when I spend more time smoking pot than I do seeking Him? I also know that I do not want to raise (or be pregnant with) a child around that. My habits have alienated my friends, affected my health, stunted my spiritual growth, and degraded my relationships with my family. So, we made the decision and stuck to it! We have been free for three months. The feeling is tremendous. When I go before God, there is nothing in between me and Him.

The change has not, however, improved my mental health. See, I am clinically depressed. I have struggled with this problem for many years, and have been taking prescription medication for eight years. My doctor told me that I would probably take these drugs my whole life. My doses have been steadily increasing, while their effectiveness has been steadily decreasing. I also have no energy, no passion for life, no interest, no motivation. Sort of like chronic fatigue, without the diagnosis. I used to accept these things as my life. I don't anymore. I am convinced that God does not want me to live like this, and that there are healthy and natural ways to fix my body. I changed doctors.
I am now working with my new doctor, a wonderful lady by the name of Dr. Khan, and my naturopath, Dr. Cobi Slater, to wean off the antidepressants and identify & treat the root cause of my problems. I was concerned about the long-term effects of prescription drugs on my kidneys and liver, as well as their impact on my future babies. Dr. Khan is supervising my weaning, while Dr. Cobi seeks to address the source of my depression and fatigue. Currently, we are awaiting the results of hormone testing. I'm on the edge of my seat in anticipation.

There is a burden of guilt and a weariness that comes with being depressed all the time. Why don't I just get up and do something? Why am I so lazy? It feels like I'm failing at life. It is interesting, the disconnect I feel between my spirit and my mind. I trust the Lord and have the Spirit living in me; thus, I have love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. I have faith and hope. The joy of the Lord is my strength! These are things I feel in my spirit and I know to be true. However, the way I feel in my mind is much different. I sometimes feel worthless, life seems pointless, I feel like a poor wife, a bad friend, a failure. My spirit and mind are in conflict, and I know it is because of the mental illness with which I struggle.

Rejoice evermore; pray without ceasing; in everything, give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I have lived this verse in my spirit, even when my mind does not agree.